Just want to lock myself up!

 We'll being in a so called love triangle in away sucks I have this guy that I pray is completely sincere in every way. Cause I don't know if I can handle another heart break and for the most part I DON'T even feel like leaving my house. I want to think that I have made the write chose for me and my children. I set and listen to Sara Evens I get a little bit stronger, oh and yes that is my song. I do need to come out of this depression somehow someway and I hope that who ever reads this and whomever it is that you pray to that you don't forget me! People who say its just a broken heart must have never had one. Starting over is like being naked in a room of people that you have never met. I am having it hard right now but I think I am num to everything. The ex came by earlier to make me feel bad I guess! He must not know I am slowly turning off my heart to him and forcing myself to move on to something I know can't be worse than living in a house with someone and still feeling lonely! On top of that I have a cold those type that your nose runs and you can't breath!
  I wish I could have a break a vacation a me time to just forget about everything and do something different oh how I'd wish to visit Ireland or anywhere for that matter. I can dream though never stop dreaming no matter how bad it gets! There is my baby awaking from her nap! Time to go back to the real world and do what needs to be done!

Another Day in the life!

 Never in my life have I ever thought yet once again I would be in this place again stuck between figuring out what to do and who to be with! Yes, in some way I am single but no I am not. I don't even know what I am at this point. All I know is the man I thought that I was in love with is not the best guy he has such issues that I can't deal with them anymore. Maybe I should just be alone for a while and see what it is I truly want! Here is a question can you be inlove with two people for two total different reasons. I think it may be true however I have never been so confused in my whole life! My what is ex-fiance and the ex that I always thought of and loved as a friend. So here I am I know whoever I chose will lead my life in complete different directions. I know that the one is a stand still situation that will never lead me anywhere.
 The same old routine over and over with drama from the demons he can never seem to control and I haven't got the patience or the drive anymore to fight them he has to learn to fight them on his own. I have so much to give and change to do to strive for it feels good but sad at the same time to have him gone. As if a new chapter is beginning. Unfortunately, I have this guilt that I have given up on him. I tried so hard for so long, and his lying, gambling and dabbling with drugs on top of it. The thing is you wouldn't believe how common that is where I am from.
 It has now become the norm of everyday life I just don't want it to be the norm. Then there is the other one he was from my past and he also had his own demons to face it seems as if he has got those under control for the most part. It's hard because he is bending over backwards for me and I am still thinking about a guy who has been nothing but a complete asshole to me. It has got to the point that I may talk to them both, but I have restored to hiding in my house and trying to stay away from the both of them. Having two men telling you that they love you and want to be with you is one of the most draining things I have ever done in my life.
Here is the problem I stay away from them and they come to me. I think I am going crazy! So what on this earth should I do? On top of all that stress both of my cars has something wrong with them I need to trade them in and get something new or one car that doesn't have problems. Today, one of my closest friends had to come over early and take my kids  to school cause I guess my car has blowed up it turns on but sounds awful! Why? Oh, why can't I win the lottery it would be so nice to do that! Yeah, the world seems to be going crazy around me. Just last week my washer broke and had clothes piling up everywhere and had to go in debt  to have clean clothes.  The weather here has been also crazy like you don't want to go out side who thought of a cold thunder storm lighting and thunder at the beginning of Jan..
We'll until tomorrow just thought I would get this all out into the open At the moment I could be in a Danielle Steel love romance only I wish I knew the end of this story. I sure hope it has a happy ending!

what can I say Iam trying!

 Today has been hard and the last couple of months haven't been easy living with a lyer~I feel like sometimes I am losing myself its so hard tonight has been one of those and why do I stay I can't understand myself! I have been trying so hard and it seems it's not working. So what do I do now I know that its time to find myself again and not let these things get to me! I feel like there is no one in the world understands me, I know that though the sun will come out after the rain.
 How do you help people who doesn't want to be helped!

Why?

Why is it that people have to share their everyday life on facebook, sometimes I think its insane yes I am blogging about the most private things of my life! However, those people not all of them may truly even like you so yes I have learned after myspace not to post anything that makes you look like fool! People are cruel and deceiving to say the least! So I do what I hate sometimes living the cookie cutter life. Which is such a lie for the most part of it, I am not saying you can't be happy but we should all know appearance's are deceiving! We could not be human if we didn't have flail's we have tears, anger, and sometimes we just don't know what the hell we are doing! I love that about people! Some thing's according to the audience should be better off unsaid! Like yesterday a girl on my facebook said she was going to court for sending nude pictures to someone, better left unsaid. Really you want everyone you know to know that! She wasn't joking I can't believe a guy told on her!Lol! But that is something I wouldn't tell anyone I knew unless we were close friends. I wish I had more time to write but I have an 18 month old who doesn't let me do anything for very long.  I haven't got my moe joe back yet you spend so much time getting caught up in the things around us that we start to forget ourselves! We shouldn't forget who we are!  There is so much more to my life and who I am than what I do! We should all take time out for us, because we are the only one that can make us happy!

It is what it is!/ a few thing a girl could learn!

 O.k. I suck at getting on here and writing everyday! Good news no one ever listens or reads me that cares I think at this point. So anyways back to my fiance if you can call him that maybe I am just over thinking things. However, he acts very in my friends words "shady"! So about two months ago I found this lovely thing you call familymap and since I am the account holder I put it on his phone some days it may be a little off! But not always anyway this fool tells me that at&t doesn't work right. O.k the big satilite in the sky they paid millions of dollars from lies! Really! Anyways I love tech. stuff so girls if you are the account owner its 9.99 a month sure its to take care of your kids in case their lost. We'll sorry guys but some of you give the rest of you a bad name! You could imagine his surprise before he knew it was activate on his phone and I pulled up out of no where! Tonight, I think hes trying to come up for reasons to stay alnight with his Mother! What is the deal with that?
   Not to mention yes I got ask out twice through facebook from my ex's! Which reminds me of why that they are my ex's they both have girlfriends. I am sick on top of it from this weather, rain, cold rain, and rain! How depressing!  We'll I am so tired and tired of thinking about all of this crazyness that is life. I just need a change in my life and need to figure out what that is! Not to mention no one not even my family has any ideal that I am writing a blog. I think it would be best this way! Also, I have kids sometimes that are completly out of control at times I'd like to hide. I so am ready for bed!

Glitter in the Air!

 I am not a great blogger for sure cause I have commitment issues! Lol! I need to say this if your struggling with something that you just don't think you can't handle. We'll let me tell you this your not alone everyday we have battles! It really doesn't matter if your rich, or poor or what your beliefs are or even what your skin color is, it boils down to how we react to the things that happen! We must not for get ourselves no matter what kind of situation that we find ourselves in. If your a poet write, if your an artist DRAWL, if your a singer Sing. an athlete Play! This is who you are never let the fear of what someone thinks bother you. Who cares if its not great to them in the end you are happy! Life is too short to give a damn what people thinks!
  You are beautiful because your different! The End! No, one can make you happy but yourself and when you do this all of the pieces of puzzle starts falling into place. The people around start to disappear and you have only you to answer to. Wow, I did spell check guess what was wrong and lit up, Lol! I today start living for me! Believe me sometimes it's not the easiest thing to do. I have crawled my way out of so many holes that at first its so hard than you it starts getting easier and easier! Good night all of my non listeners! You never know what I'll say next! I just hope that some day something out of this blog helps someone makes you smile, laugh, cry or yes you can even get mad!

What a freaking life!

Well first of all just let me say I haven't been on here in forever! Why? We'll because my lab top got stolen out of my house and for the most part of this writing experience I have been reserved and haven't just said everything I have wanted to. Here is the thing this could get raw so if you can't handle it don't read it! This is your R rating cause I just might cuss! In case you want to report me! I have had one of the worst 2  months of my younger life! I have been in court because of this stupid man I have and yet I wouldn't even call a man at this point! Why do women put up with so much stupidly? I need to know what makes us think that we will ever change someone or something that want be changed!
  Seriously, at one point in my life I could have my own reality t.v. show from the this crap! Also by the way the government needs to get control over all these people and their drug habits. You can't leave toilet paper in your bathroom without people wanting to sale it! If you have a problem with that statement you can kiss my ass cause I've had it with these thief's who things they are untitled to something that is not theirs! No, I'm no rocket scientist but I know about life and right from wrong. This morning I went on facebook to find a guy from my past I should have never let go if I had to of chained myself to his leg! So my question is why does it take us years of our life's to figure this stuff out. Wouldn't you know hes got like five kids not all his some here and there but still seemed to be the same guy! It kinda makes me hope he was never happy after me! I used to sit and wonder what if and now there will never be a what if! Who would I be to walk through a door after 10 years. I should had figured it out years before! So the other dummie is in my bed and hasn't went to work in to days! What a day!