The wind of change is blowing!

 We'll I've been working alot and not had a chance to write you guys here's what is going on my best friend Tammy is moving to Florida a split decision. After, her dum ass husband who is beyond sick decided to check his self out of ICU under doctors orders not to. He has had a weird thing that has happen to his blood if he lives more than a couple of years it will surprise me for sure. So Tammy, her sister and I went and unrolled her granddaughter from school today. I don't know what I will do without her so I have cried my tears and I wish her the best it would be selfish of me to want to keep her. This has to be a strange friendship considering she's at least 30 years older than me. She calls me her little sister and to me she has been like the Mom that I never had so sweet understanding and I do believe that God or fate whatever you want to call it had sent her to me. Then sometimes I think my sweet Aunt is somewhere watching over me from the great beyond. She will have more help in Florida than here with most of her family living there! But we will stay in touch and you can bet your sweet ass I will be headed south to see her.
 After all the sunshine state is where I half grew up I feel it in the wind everything is about to change and whatever way this wind blows me I will ride this storm out cause I plan on making a better future for myself.
Even though here I am setting without a car to drive. Crazy yes but for some reason writing to the air and to people who don't even know help me. I wish I could have the time to say and tell everything in my life there would be those who wouldn't even believe me though every word would be true. When I was younger I used to write in journal all of the time but never look back to read them just to get everything out like venting. But as my Aunt used to say you wear your heart on a sleeve you shouldn't reveal so much about yourself. That wouldn't be me and I have nothing to hide good, great, bad, and even the ugly.  These things are what makes use human! Its what we chose to do with them that determines how our life is in the end. My mistakes are what have made me into a stronger person. Of coarse I came home this morning and my garbage hidden been put on the side of the road like that was so hard. I guess I should have done it myself! That seems to be the only way anything gets done anymore. Oh, and I was locked out of my own house cause I had left my keys with my parents to see if they could figure out something with my car problems!
 So I went home with Tammy until they finely called me and said they were under the mat on the porch, but I got to spend time with her. She gave me some of her house plants to have to remember her because she had no where to keep them or the room to take them! Of coarse my Ex didn't get up and take his self to work this morning I saw as we drove by his work to get to her house! Guess there goes anything about getting child support since he couldn't go to work but whats new at least its not my problem trying to get him up in the mornings to go! So yeah we so got into an argument this weekend he had some trashy girl and notice I didn't say woman call me and say I am his next baby's Momma ha ha I said we'll good luck with that maybe he'll take care of yours better than he takes care of mine! Lol, she wanted to go there with me someone I didn't know she wouldn't tell me who she was whatever! Don't get involved with my child and things that don't concern her I didn't want to but in like 2.5 seconds I went New Jersey's Snookie on that dum girl! I hate when someone can talk on a phone some smack to someone. She wouldn't even tell me who she was. She has no ideal who she is dealing with! I am a good girl by nature but don't piss me off! When it comes to my kids and interfering oh yell don't go there b*tch! I really don't care!
 Then the fool was in the bathroom where ever he was telling me he was sorry he loved me, he wanted to come home! Don't think so like I said to her I don't deal with trash I take it out! That's okay my Palo is planning a trip for my Birthday to the Bitmore in Ashville,NC and he can wine and dine me all he wants!
Hope lit miss smarty pants likes Wendy's and further more the value meal after I take him to the cleaners for what little child support I get out of him! We'll that went out there guess you never heard that side of me before I can be hard core if I have to be! I want play a game I can't win! But really how rude it went back in forth he should have told her I am no dummy and I don't put up with bullshit from some one that I don't even know I mean do you blame me! We'll I need to go for now! Until, later!

Just another Day!

 Do you ever feel like its you against the whole world it seems to be that way with me! Today was another hard day in my life. This morning I had to get up and air up the tires on my car cause for some reason they are not sealing on the rims of the car but I know nothing about car's! Just to get my kids to school and still they where late. This so sucks and came home trying to clean my house. The asshole I have my youngest daughter with is so concerned with his self and not me didn't bother to even call and check on me or his child. What's worse is that my new washer quit on me today had to call someone to fix it! The only laugh I had was when my friend came over to borrow my bathroom because she bought a girdle that was to small and she couldn't breath before she went to class. That's so funny she's not even fat so I don't even know what she is trying to suck in "her ribs"! Lol! But of coarse the day got worse I came out and to find that my tire had completely went flat and my air pump had no air in it. So I thought that I could possibly drive it to get air at a gas station didn't work the tire came completely off of the rim of the car. So now I am down to car's thank God my neighbor took me to get my kids from school!
 During this I was trying to find away to get my kids to school in the morning but didn't know how cause there is no one who lives close that is my family I thought that maybe the Dad of my child could take them. Of coarse trying to be the nice person I told my new Man friend that I might have to have him help me in the morning and we of coarse got into our first argument! About him coming back around me these guys just suck of coarse he apologized for his out burst and of coarse I said it had nothing to do with me but the kids! So you would think that my Ex would help with the kids but he says get your boy toy to help you know but these are your kids or was for 4 years you can just throw them away cause we are not together what kind of man does that and why do I miss him. But thank God for good friends cause they are who will be there no mater what my friend is coming to help me in the morning!  I have to call my new friend something for reference sake we will call him Palo since he is Italian! Anyway Palo is wanting to take me somewhere for Valentine's Day so to get my mind off of this whole story I will let him! I deserve a break! My kids are driving me crazy I need to put myself in timeout after all of this and my 20 month old will not let me even write right now!  I need a new car or an new old car as soon as possible I don't care what it looks like as long as it will drive and hold all of my little family! I guess we all have one of those days I seem to have them more than anyone. Then on top of that two guys telling me they love me I just want someone to show me!
  Palo said that he would come and see what he could do tomorrow and help me! I just don't know what to do and I don't know how to feel at this point! I am so far behind on things and just trying to keep my head above the waters at this point!
  I sure hope that there is a rainbow at the end of this storm cause I need one! I have so much more to say and seems like I have not the time to say it so to every one out there hang in everyone has those days. Just like mine I guess we all feel like this only thing could happen to us!

Just want to lock myself up!

 We'll being in a so called love triangle in away sucks I have this guy that I pray is completely sincere in every way. Cause I don't know if I can handle another heart break and for the most part I DON'T even feel like leaving my house. I want to think that I have made the write chose for me and my children. I set and listen to Sara Evens I get a little bit stronger, oh and yes that is my song. I do need to come out of this depression somehow someway and I hope that who ever reads this and whomever it is that you pray to that you don't forget me! People who say its just a broken heart must have never had one. Starting over is like being naked in a room of people that you have never met. I am having it hard right now but I think I am num to everything. The ex came by earlier to make me feel bad I guess! He must not know I am slowly turning off my heart to him and forcing myself to move on to something I know can't be worse than living in a house with someone and still feeling lonely! On top of that I have a cold those type that your nose runs and you can't breath!
  I wish I could have a break a vacation a me time to just forget about everything and do something different oh how I'd wish to visit Ireland or anywhere for that matter. I can dream though never stop dreaming no matter how bad it gets! There is my baby awaking from her nap! Time to go back to the real world and do what needs to be done!

Another Day in the life!

 Never in my life have I ever thought yet once again I would be in this place again stuck between figuring out what to do and who to be with! Yes, in some way I am single but no I am not. I don't even know what I am at this point. All I know is the man I thought that I was in love with is not the best guy he has such issues that I can't deal with them anymore. Maybe I should just be alone for a while and see what it is I truly want! Here is a question can you be inlove with two people for two total different reasons. I think it may be true however I have never been so confused in my whole life! My what is ex-fiance and the ex that I always thought of and loved as a friend. So here I am I know whoever I chose will lead my life in complete different directions. I know that the one is a stand still situation that will never lead me anywhere.
 The same old routine over and over with drama from the demons he can never seem to control and I haven't got the patience or the drive anymore to fight them he has to learn to fight them on his own. I have so much to give and change to do to strive for it feels good but sad at the same time to have him gone. As if a new chapter is beginning. Unfortunately, I have this guilt that I have given up on him. I tried so hard for so long, and his lying, gambling and dabbling with drugs on top of it. The thing is you wouldn't believe how common that is where I am from.
 It has now become the norm of everyday life I just don't want it to be the norm. Then there is the other one he was from my past and he also had his own demons to face it seems as if he has got those under control for the most part. It's hard because he is bending over backwards for me and I am still thinking about a guy who has been nothing but a complete asshole to me. It has got to the point that I may talk to them both, but I have restored to hiding in my house and trying to stay away from the both of them. Having two men telling you that they love you and want to be with you is one of the most draining things I have ever done in my life.
Here is the problem I stay away from them and they come to me. I think I am going crazy! So what on this earth should I do? On top of all that stress both of my cars has something wrong with them I need to trade them in and get something new or one car that doesn't have problems. Today, one of my closest friends had to come over early and take my kids  to school cause I guess my car has blowed up it turns on but sounds awful! Why? Oh, why can't I win the lottery it would be so nice to do that! Yeah, the world seems to be going crazy around me. Just last week my washer broke and had clothes piling up everywhere and had to go in debt  to have clean clothes.  The weather here has been also crazy like you don't want to go out side who thought of a cold thunder storm lighting and thunder at the beginning of Jan..
We'll until tomorrow just thought I would get this all out into the open At the moment I could be in a Danielle Steel love romance only I wish I knew the end of this story. I sure hope it has a happy ending!