Okay another day in the life!

 So here is how it goes today my neighbor/ friend talked me into going and seeing if the Ex who says he is still in love with me is really doing what he says he is doing. He is an argent s.o.b. I don't know who or what he thinks he is I was giving him a chance to change and see if he really was going to do what he said he was. He doesn't want to hear the truth about anything at all what am I to do about that. I don't know how much more I can take and he is stuck up his Mom's ass he needs to get off the tit for real. I just am so mad that he is acting like I did all this my self its all my fault and that isn't true all the stress from this just had warn me thin I couldn't handle it anymore the lies, and the gambling! He drove me into some one elses arms and now hes doing it again I think that he just wants me to wait on him how long I've waited 4 years for him to put a ring on my finger and he hasn't yet he is so selfish.
 So yes I am venting into thin air and it seems as if no one cares at all. How does all the bs that he does turn around into my fault and basically he said he wasn't asking me to put my life on hold but he is should I just go ahead and go on my trip or what? I think that I should just move on and for get it maybe that's what he is wanting me to do! I have blown off Palo who does nothing but try with me! I am a dumass! Trying to make this work but it doesn't seem that simple anymore and if he truly wanted to wouldn't he come home and try? I don't know and am to tired to care at this point got to get up early kids have school! So tired don't feel like typing. Goodnight All!

What have I got myself into!

 Okay, here is the thing I have no ideal what I am doing I have a great guy who really cares about me! But I cant get over the Ex who is an complete asshole what am I supposed to do I finally broke down and went to his Mom's house to let my children open their Christmas presents and what do you know we end up in the bathroom doing naughty stuff and I am trying to be a good person no intercourse until I get a ring on this finger I think I need to get a chastity belt and forget it! Here I have lost my mind or I am losing it I swear I can't handle this stuff anymore. My Mother is going to kill me! I know she hates my Ex with every being in her! Then what am I to do about this other guy I clearly do not want to hurt! What's worse is that I can't tell anyone because everyone is going to be furious with me. So exactly what am I going to do any one with any ideals on here. My Mother is on the phone as I am writing you now and she say that the ex is stringing me along.  She says I need to say either you love me enough to come home or not come at all!
 I don't know I know I have got to figure out what is going on with myself before I lose both of them but who and why is the serious questions I am asking myself. I don't understand why I am going through this stuff. I don't know like what am I going to do! I wonder if I am being a jackass right now! I can't go through this stuff anymore I am turning into a Crazy Person! I need to be admitted!!!!
  I just don't know anymore! You know my Mother has said about the Ex getting his income taxes and that he hasn't done anything for our daughter! Which is true I swear he is like a fox a blue eyed devil with the horns. I don't know I just cant help feeling that I might just be making the biggest mistakes in my life. I think the only person who wants us back together is the Baptist Minster who had been counciling us so what am I to do at this point I would love just to hide from this world and all of its descistions. I need strength and a friend right now. The only person I could listen to was Tammy. I haven't been able to get ahold of her for days probably because she couldn't afford to pay her phone bill since her dum ass son stole money from her account to get high on some drugs. I feel sorry for her I don't know I feel sorry for myself. I just don't know what to do except write empty words on this computer and hope some one is listening or reading enough to care to say anything to me!
 I feel in a time warp of not knowing what to do I think maybe I shouldn't go back to the Ex, but am considering this because of our daughter! What can I do I feel so alone and scared to death to make the wrong choice Oh God what if I am making the biggest mistake of my life I don't know! I guess only time will tell and I can't continue to be this way!What should I do? I wish I knew! Everyone else can see it why don't I! They say that love is blind maybe just plan stupid at this point! I can't wait forever until he grows up! Can I?  I have no ideal what to do!