what can I say Iam trying!

 Today has been hard and the last couple of months haven't been easy living with a lyer~I feel like sometimes I am losing myself its so hard tonight has been one of those and why do I stay I can't understand myself! I have been trying so hard and it seems it's not working. So what do I do now I know that its time to find myself again and not let these things get to me! I feel like there is no one in the world understands me, I know that though the sun will come out after the rain.
 How do you help people who doesn't want to be helped!

Why?

Why is it that people have to share their everyday life on facebook, sometimes I think its insane yes I am blogging about the most private things of my life! However, those people not all of them may truly even like you so yes I have learned after myspace not to post anything that makes you look like fool! People are cruel and deceiving to say the least! So I do what I hate sometimes living the cookie cutter life. Which is such a lie for the most part of it, I am not saying you can't be happy but we should all know appearance's are deceiving! We could not be human if we didn't have flail's we have tears, anger, and sometimes we just don't know what the hell we are doing! I love that about people! Some thing's according to the audience should be better off unsaid! Like yesterday a girl on my facebook said she was going to court for sending nude pictures to someone, better left unsaid. Really you want everyone you know to know that! She wasn't joking I can't believe a guy told on her!Lol! But that is something I wouldn't tell anyone I knew unless we were close friends. I wish I had more time to write but I have an 18 month old who doesn't let me do anything for very long.  I haven't got my moe joe back yet you spend so much time getting caught up in the things around us that we start to forget ourselves! We shouldn't forget who we are!  There is so much more to my life and who I am than what I do! We should all take time out for us, because we are the only one that can make us happy!

It is what it is!/ a few thing a girl could learn!

 O.k. I suck at getting on here and writing everyday! Good news no one ever listens or reads me that cares I think at this point. So anyways back to my fiance if you can call him that maybe I am just over thinking things. However, he acts very in my friends words "shady"! So about two months ago I found this lovely thing you call familymap and since I am the account holder I put it on his phone some days it may be a little off! But not always anyway this fool tells me that at&t doesn't work right. O.k the big satilite in the sky they paid millions of dollars from lies! Really! Anyways I love tech. stuff so girls if you are the account owner its 9.99 a month sure its to take care of your kids in case their lost. We'll sorry guys but some of you give the rest of you a bad name! You could imagine his surprise before he knew it was activate on his phone and I pulled up out of no where! Tonight, I think hes trying to come up for reasons to stay alnight with his Mother! What is the deal with that?
   Not to mention yes I got ask out twice through facebook from my ex's! Which reminds me of why that they are my ex's they both have girlfriends. I am sick on top of it from this weather, rain, cold rain, and rain! How depressing!  We'll I am so tired and tired of thinking about all of this crazyness that is life. I just need a change in my life and need to figure out what that is! Not to mention no one not even my family has any ideal that I am writing a blog. I think it would be best this way! Also, I have kids sometimes that are completly out of control at times I'd like to hide. I so am ready for bed!

Glitter in the Air!

 I am not a great blogger for sure cause I have commitment issues! Lol! I need to say this if your struggling with something that you just don't think you can't handle. We'll let me tell you this your not alone everyday we have battles! It really doesn't matter if your rich, or poor or what your beliefs are or even what your skin color is, it boils down to how we react to the things that happen! We must not for get ourselves no matter what kind of situation that we find ourselves in. If your a poet write, if your an artist DRAWL, if your a singer Sing. an athlete Play! This is who you are never let the fear of what someone thinks bother you. Who cares if its not great to them in the end you are happy! Life is too short to give a damn what people thinks!
  You are beautiful because your different! The End! No, one can make you happy but yourself and when you do this all of the pieces of puzzle starts falling into place. The people around start to disappear and you have only you to answer to. Wow, I did spell check guess what was wrong and lit up, Lol! I today start living for me! Believe me sometimes it's not the easiest thing to do. I have crawled my way out of so many holes that at first its so hard than you it starts getting easier and easier! Good night all of my non listeners! You never know what I'll say next! I just hope that some day something out of this blog helps someone makes you smile, laugh, cry or yes you can even get mad!

What a freaking life!

Well first of all just let me say I haven't been on here in forever! Why? We'll because my lab top got stolen out of my house and for the most part of this writing experience I have been reserved and haven't just said everything I have wanted to. Here is the thing this could get raw so if you can't handle it don't read it! This is your R rating cause I just might cuss! In case you want to report me! I have had one of the worst 2  months of my younger life! I have been in court because of this stupid man I have and yet I wouldn't even call a man at this point! Why do women put up with so much stupidly? I need to know what makes us think that we will ever change someone or something that want be changed!
  Seriously, at one point in my life I could have my own reality t.v. show from the this crap! Also by the way the government needs to get control over all these people and their drug habits. You can't leave toilet paper in your bathroom without people wanting to sale it! If you have a problem with that statement you can kiss my ass cause I've had it with these thief's who things they are untitled to something that is not theirs! No, I'm no rocket scientist but I know about life and right from wrong. This morning I went on facebook to find a guy from my past I should have never let go if I had to of chained myself to his leg! So my question is why does it take us years of our life's to figure this stuff out. Wouldn't you know hes got like five kids not all his some here and there but still seemed to be the same guy! It kinda makes me hope he was never happy after me! I used to sit and wonder what if and now there will never be a what if! Who would I be to walk through a door after 10 years. I should had figured it out years before! So the other dummie is in my bed and hasn't went to work in to days! What a day!

Oh, Valentine's Day!

 We'll let me tell you how that went it was good, bad, and then good again. My friend came over with her granddaughter and babysat my kids.Which was really sweet of her considering she got remarried yesterday. We'll they'd been married years before divorced, got back together, and now remarried again. She been going through somethings also with their daughter I really feel sorry for her. My friend is my Mothers' age, but we get along. Today shes getting temp. custody of her daughters' kids. They through the book at her and put her in jail shes got serious charges coming at her. If she lucky she'll get probation! However, shes going to get jail time either way you look at it. Always how freaking dumb is it to protect a piece of shit man over protecting herself and her kids. Iam not saying shes not also at fault but come on...... at what point don't they understand what they do not only effects them it's like a chain reaction, now kids are without a Mother and The Grandmothers' watching the kids. It's just one big ugly mess, which I told my friend I would do what ever I could do to help her with watching the children. On top of that this guy she's so head over heels with let her ass and the other two people and ran. I hope they find his sorry ass really I do!
 He better hope I don't see him out I'll call in on him maybe even follow him so the cops can get him. I think at this point I have a special hate for guys like that "USERS IN AWAY"!  But the last thing I'll say about this is that some people have no business with kids if you can't take care of them. Give them to someone who will and love them!
Now I kinda got off the subject anyways I went out to dinner last night me and my better half. We went to a pretty nice place. I started to feel like I was on that show "Boiling Point" it was like where are the camera, or now where is Ashton, am I being punk'd no I am not famous,lol! We have patience really it took 2hours and a half to get our food I am not kidding. Come on it doesn't take a hour to get a salad, right! We'll I am not the person to complain about things and if I do you seriously suck at what your doing.Like if you ask for no pickles, they put pickles on your sandwich anyways, I'll just take them off and put them to the side. We sat patiently while the couple next to use went through a four course dinner. I am not a bitchy person but it was Valentine's Day! So I ask for a manager cause we couldn't even get the waiter over to the table long enough to get a check for our drinks. Really my better half wanted to walk out and not even pay, I'll say pretty mad.
So anyways the manager said your food is coming out right now. Just have it on me! I can't complain about a free meal, and who knows how long it would have took to get into somewhere else with a reservation.
   So we stayed ate some of it, I have to say my Lobster was really good but we where so full from drinking sweet tea, and wine. That we took most of it home with us. I guess that Patience is a virtue is true! Our tab was $65.00 and we got it completely free. Would I go back sure the food was good, but I am not going to want that waiter. I actually kind of felt sorry for the little guy he forgot our food and then another couple up from us he got their order wrong so the manager had to come out again. I hope he didn't get fired, I just think maybe they should put him on dished or something. Who knows maybe he was new, but two hours late on food not cool for me! We'll got some major work to be done! Until, next time!

chaos

So anyways bought a house and haven't had time to write or breathe for that matter! It's a fixeruper I just didn't know how much fixing I would have to do. Here I have a house with a house payment and can't move in. I seriously hope that I can get everything done before I have to pay another month of rent in this house. Man this is a crazy thing you know I wanted a house so badly and it's not that I'am ungreatful to have it, but this is alot of work!!!! Um, so many run on sentences Oh Well it's not like Iam writing for a English Lit. paper or I would so fell... Anyways myself and my worser half at the moment have almost killed each other the last couple of weeks. All this stress is getting to me work, work, and work after work. My better half really is working 10 hour days and coming home working on the other house "the one we bought" and we still haven't got everything packed Iam caving in like a nut! At this point I need a shrink!!!!
 I really wouldn't like to see Lowes or a hardware store again until I build my Pergola getting to much time from me. I love designing and decorating don't get me wrong but whoa! So I was talking to the guy mixing my paint and was trying to explain exactly what I was doing to my cabinet's he so didn't get! You know when you can't replace "Paint"! Either way I hope it comes out good cause I have to live with it until next year. I bought my youngest daughter today a really cute vintage rocking chair, it's never been touched no paint at all, guess what Iam painting it. Sure, its got the original little puppy dog on the back but the wood is fading! When I told the woman I planned on painting it I think she almost had a heart attack! So I found this really pretty green paint and I'am so painting it and painting her name on it to! But the good news is I only paid $20.00 a good buy I think!
Maybe I'll get to write some more this week if I'am not killed!

Sushi

 We'll went over the budget tonight and took the family out to a Japanese steak house. Got my hunnie to taste some sushi for the first time. I think that he didn't want to admit it wasn't that bad. I am sure that there is better after all were from a smaller town. To cute I feed my baby some fryed rice tonight, shes' probably had more tastes from different foods' than most babies. A little Chinese, Mexican and tonight Japanese. You have to open up their food obtions, and never say "thats gross" let them descide what they think of a certain food. I had tuna and red snapper not bad! Try it!
  Gave me an excuse to teach how to say Thank You and Your Welcome don't ask me how to spell it I have a hard enough time spelling english. Sometimes I feel like the abscent minded professor. I know it but it just didn't always come out. Anyways here you go English/ sorta to Japanese,, I think this is how it sounds anyways "Ariegottoe gunzalie mas" Thank You" I promise that is not how you spell it but thats how you say it. In a werid American way, Lol! Tomorrow, work work work I want to cry why can't I just win the lottery, oh thats right I have to play it first! Man alive people are crazy some of the things that go on around me blow my mind.....
   Sometimes are you just speechless yeah I feel that way on a day to day basis. You know how they say sex, drugs and rocknroll. No, its drugs, sorryness"if you can use that as a word",and bullshit! This whole drug thing you hear about around here, I guess its everywhere but come on people some of the stuff is just stupid! You going to put something into your body that people use rat posion in O.K. come on!"STUPID" I am sorry but thats all you hear about anymore Meth labs even on the news just damn crazy!
You know what people needs Hobbies, a Job, Something to keep their minds off this shit! Pardon my french, I'll give myself a censor "maynot be great for some audiences, will sometimes swear, "Sorry"!
Anyways on that note got to get some sleep! Hope to dream of Johnny Depp tonight. What! $1,000 dollars to park a car in New York! Thats crazy, watching the late night with David L.. He can be so funny! We'll nite all!

Out tonight!

 I guess my family will be going out to dinner tonight. I don't feel like cooking and think Chinese is on the menu. I love it! Trying to get everyone ready is the hardest part of it. Anyways I've been taking online coarses for my job, it sucks kind of. I know it sounds bad but got to go back to work tomorrow and I dread it. I should be happy to have a job but sometimes I wish I could stay at home with my children to mold them more. I feel like I am missing out on so much. The one thing you can never get back is the time you spend with them. Its sort of sad, here today gone tomorrow. We'll my relationship has been going a little better in the last couple of days. However, I feel like it needs alot of work and sometimes wonder what I am doing in it besides the kids. I hope that I can make a change for the good!
I wish that everything in the next couple of days goes good keep your fingers crossed.
 We'll out of here Iam hungrey!

oh!

 We'll anyways Iam so tired and I have so much to say I worked 64hrs. this weekend. Hopeing to get on the move with my writing it frees me. Its like venting I need to breath from the crying baby girl, drama and uncertainy of my life.... Seriously need a vacation or a change so I can get my thoughts together. Need to know how to keep it together at this point, anyone got ideals? On top of that this getting your life together really is hard sometimes. Add a bunch of fake people with that is drama. Sometimes I'd like to go and hide!

I don't know!

 Tonight I had a really bad fight with someone that I love and suppost to love me..... What do you do when you talk but no one listens to anything you have to say? I dont know anymore! I feel alone sometimes when someone is in the same house with me. I dont know I guess it could be worse, I would say think really hard before you jump into relationship,,,but does anyone ever really think about that. No, I dont think so. All I do know is relationships take WORK its not easy. Something just doesn't feel right at all! We'll thats all I have to say about that. Fighting, makes me tired I think I'll call it a night!

BLAH!

 What can I say I am so tired that I havent got the energy to say much and to be honest I maybe a bit boring tonight. I haven't wrote anything in forever so much for devotion..... Anyways my job is killing me I just keep thinking 1 more year and I am sooooo out of here. Not only did I not get the job I had worked my butt off for "GET THIS", I get asked monday night to work it for the other person haha! Your kidding right thats what I was thinking! Anyways I ask what am I doing there? BEING USED THANKS TO THE ON GOING ECONMY!LOVELY! But enough said about that I am sick of that I have to self motivate my self to go! Hopefully, the new house want let me become so depressed with more room I love that! I can fix it how I like it! Man I like that !!!! button tonight can't tell you why!!!
 So anyways it is so freaking cold tonight I can't wait to lay down and cuddle under my covers go to sleep.... We paid a small deposit tonight for a house, and went to Mr. Ghattis to eat.
   I hope that we're doing the right thing I wanted something more out into the country. Got to do what you can afford sometimes not what you like. But for the most part its what we need four bedrooms and one bath. The one bath I hope can be changed to two. Just cause its big doesn't mean its new. I have some work ahead of me for sure. But I am not afraid of work thats what you have to do if you want to get somewhere in this life.....
   If your waiting on someone to give you something your probably going to wait a long time! We'll I need some shut eye, going to finsih my show and hit the sack!

Cant Sleep!

 Can't sleep then again how could I when I get woke up in the middle of the night; by someone barking orders and plan out bitching when they don't even have the right to. I can't believe this I am pissed they best check their self or their going to get check mated! I've bought had all the bullshit someone can take. If anything gets done around here I do it. I am the only one raises a hand and on top of that I work go pay the bills, run around and get everything done that needs to be done. Never getting any help talk about kicking you when your down. But I am no door mat for someone to wipe their feet on. Its seems no matter what I do I can't get three steps ahead without being knocked five steps back. There has to be a better way than this! Yes, I have a few times went on strike leave for three days and work 64hrs.,come home and it looks like a bomb went off in my house. Dishes to the top of the sink come on how hard is it to wash a cup and some plates. It's not even sticky, greezy cookers. I am VENTING!
 What a start of a New Year, and I was at work when the ball dropped I should have been with my family. I guess I was doing something constructive anyways. You got to count your blessings I guess, even thought I never seem to do whats right...... But Iam tired of trying to peace people you just can't. We'll folks going to try and get some sleep it want be long before I have to get up.......Sure going to be tired in the morning!

Wow!

 Wow, I cant believe that I haven't wrote anything in this long. Whats' new in my life? Where can I begin we'll that job that I worked my ass off,"you know how we've been waiting for this job to come open for 6 months, YOU DIDN'T GET IT BUT YOU INTERVIEWED REALLY WE'LL" quote unquote. I found out the sweet hard facts and the truth you can work your ass off and deserve a job, but not get it! Why? We'll even in work place you have your poltics..... And sometimes people pull weight, but this doesn't mean its right and I believe in Karma! So I know I did the best over and beyond duty.  Anyways I think I was made for something else. Just going to try to figure out what to do I have ideals I just got to work on them!
 Next, well have you ever been with someone and it just didn't feel right anymore especially when you try and try then they just over look everything you have to say! I am there right now, but how do you move on? Not that I don't love them just I feel like singing Tina Turners' "Whats love got to do with it"! You love someone but let me just tell you there is so much more to it then that. I think that it would be better to be a friend and know someone first.That would be best! But that's not how it works I am  a walking testament to this.
 Life is a very strange thing and everyone has their ups and downs so don't think that your in a boat by yourself we all have diffcultlies. I need a vacation and a foot rub! On top of that I had $160.00 dollars go missing out of my house, I have done winter cleaning still haven't found it. It sure didn't grow legs and walk out! Still working on buying a house well see looking forward on starting a new year! Until next time